EMTgonePA Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Hey guys sorry, thanks for your help! but I decided that I'd like to work on it a little more before I share it again. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PS_editor Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 My first dream career was to skateboard professionally – classic story of a teenager, if you ask me! When I told my parents, they just smiled and said, ‘We support you.’ Lucky for them, that dream faded as I began playing thesaxophone in high school; I joined my high school’s wind Ensemble and marching Band. It was there I learned how to be a leader, as well as how to work as part of a true team. (better to break that into 2 sentences) To be a part of a great marching band requires teamwork and dedication, and to be a great band member requires leadership and self-discipline – four traits I discovered throughout this experience. Although I thought music was my calling, I knew I had a lot of world and life to explore, so after graduation I boarded a plane to my homeland and spent a year in Israel. During this time I started volunteering in many different places, but one that was very special to me was at an ocean school in Bat Yam; just separate into 2 sentences, don't use a semicolon here. I helped teach mentally handicapped children about ocean safety and boogey boarding. I spent my last three months there volunteering for the Israel DefenseForces teaching immigrant soldiers how to speak Hebrew. Upon my return to the States, I had a new outlook on life. During my trip abroad, specifically in the Israel Defense Forces, I had grown fond of politics, and decided to pursue a degree in that field. Studying Politics taught me some great skills in life, my favorite being the ability to look at a situation from many different angles, and approach it rationally; unfortunately my passion for politics began to fade after some time, and although I’ll always have that knowledge, I came to a crossroad: start over with something new, or finish what I started? [...] As you can see I stopped adding in comment to your essay after the beginning. This is because this comes off as a mini-autobiography rather than a structured essay answering why you want to be a PA. Your intro about being in marching band and the following paragraph about volunteering in Israel basically read like a resume. You don't even get into PAs until halfway through your essay. I feel like so many people fall into this trap. They are not used to, nor have significant with, writing good essays so they fall back on an easy, autobiographical timeline that eventually answers how they came to know the profession and found out they wanted to be a PA. Also, you write quite informally. You use multiple exclamation points, elipses, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMTgonePA Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Thanks for your help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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