Rpent4 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yesIMbob Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 You have a lot of great stuff to work with here. However, this draft is extremely rough. Let us start with the opening. This is your figurative handshake to your paper. This is where you have to engage the reader and demonstrate your ability to write. You started with emergency surgery and stated it was scheduled later in the week. That is not an emergency. You have good ideas but i feel your word choice needs more improvement. Also you mentioned your sister died and you did not elaborate on it. You state your fathers recovery was gruesome? How? You were amazed by the clinicians? Was the surgery performed at a clinic or a hospital? To me there is too much business going on in your intro. Slow it down and try to make one bold statement that will captivate your audience. For the body, you explained what an ekg tech does. You probably also stated this in your experience under job description. Im more interested in what you learned doing the job and what you have to show from doing it. I enjoy how you described your experiences with the physician assistants however not all PAs think no job is beneath them. There are, and i know some arrogant PAs. Comment how you saw an individual PA do these things and how you want to be like that individual. Your CF paragraph is a bit unstructured. Your opening two sentences do not flow into the rest of the paragraph. Conclusion. You introduced new information ie shadowing experience. Also this paragraph seems rushed like you just wanted your essay to be over with. Think of something thoughtful to put in there. Maybe return to your fathers heart condition and your initial interest in becoming a PA. Pros: you have good experiences and a lot of hands on material when it comes to health care. Cons: word choice and structure. I understand this is a frustrating process and trying to put your heart and soul on paper is difficult. I would work on rewriting most of this essay but keep the same info. Also remember this, youre trying to state why you want to be a PA. Why is this THE job for you? What makes the role as a provider interesting to you? Its easy to get lost in telling your story and forget these Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rpent4 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 @yesIMbob Thank you so much for taking the time to respond!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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