First time applicant. Need some feedback, please.

[arh4183]

“Define yourself.” A task that life incessantly flings at us, challenging us to express what we stand for. As one matures, the response to that test most often alters. As for me, my answer has not wavered since I proudly proclaimed the words “Do everything in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14” in Bible school at thirteen years of age. A spark continues to ignite within my soul each time I reflect on that verse. However, it has been my journey towards becoming a physician assistant that has allowed me to fully apprehend the depth of it’s meaning.

 

My voyage began in my youth as I engrossed myself into my academics, finding fulfillment in expanding my familiarity on medical subjects. My curiosity and fortitude were reinforced during my employment at Cary Orthopeadics and Sports Medicine in the summer months of my sophomore year of high school. Already intrigued by the diagnostics of medicine, I became enticed to the vital role of the PA as they demonstrated leadership, built strong provider-patient relationships, and promoted teamwork within the clinic.

 

Upon my enrollment into college, I began to look for additional ways to prepare myself of the duties necessary to become a successful PA. Burying my nose into books wasn’t enough; I yearned for tangible patient contact. My desire to plunge into the world of healthcare and my proclivity to serve others steered me towards my involvement in organizing a medical brigade to aid the underserved inhabitants of Honduras.

 

When we entered into the barren Honduran town, my eyes widened at the sight of the line of hundreds of sick people patiently awaiting the arrival of our medical aid. My colleagues and I immersed ourselves into guiding civilians through the course of the brigade: triage, examination, education, and pharmacy stations. Despite our unimpressive attempts at speaking Spanish, we were able to surpass our cultural barriers with the usage of the universal language of benevolence. During triage, I began to identify reoccurring symptoms: dry mouths, abdominal pain, low-grade fevers, red and watery eyes, etc. Further examinations revealed that majority of our patients were suffering from parasites and the common cold. Agony and compassion flowed through my veins upon the realization that these people were plagued by such trivial conditions. The significance of medicine unraveled before my eyes. The validity of prevention and education became indisputable, as I noticed the power of medicine to improve the quality of life. 

 

By the last day of our brigade, our originally overflowing suitcases of amoxicillin, vitamins, Higo Mel (cough medication), and other medications had been completely depleted. Only three days had passed, yet we had successfully served over 900 Honduran civilians with medical treatment. Our patients conveyed an abundance of gratefulness towards us, but unbeknownst to them, the lives of my classmates and I would endure the greatest impact.

 

Initially, I had entered into the desolate community with the belief that I would make a lasting impression. My naivety vanished as I was exposed to a lifestyle composed of simplicity, selflessness, and gratitude. The Honduran citizens expressed contentment, despite their unfavorable living conditions, and gleamed with positivity. Indeed, they required medical attention, but my interactions amongst them permitted me to comprehend that they predominantly yearned for compassion, sincerity, and support. It was then that I acknowledged that the benefits of medical intervention are vaster than relief from physical conditions. Medical treatment goes beyond the understanding of human anatomy and physiology; it equally encompasses psychology and sociology. That trip revealed to me the importance of remaining in tune with a patient’s emotional needs to successfully provide efficient care.

 

During my time in Honduras, I thought that I would never again feel such a strong sense of satisfaction. Nonetheless, since then, I have encountered numerous clinical instances, including chatting with patients at their bedside, working swiftly alongside paramedics, and examining patients closely to decipher the origin of their chronic knee pain, all of which have engineered an equal amount of gratification. The experiences that I have faced on my journey of becoming a PA have allowed me to appreciate the reason I was drawn to those four simple words in Bible school years go. Becoming a PA would not only allow me to embark on a career that epitomizes my fondness for the human sciences and my aspiration for patient interaction, but it would also grant me the opportunity to embody such a powerful verse by expressing affection towards each patient while working to mend a life. My faith in 1 Corinthians 16:14 provides me the assurance that I will be an efficient medical provider and bestows me with the certainty that I will become a physician assistant.

[Glorious_Ignoramus]

I will be brief, please don't take any of my suggestions personally.

 

First thoughts: You've opened with a cliché.  It sounds pleasant to read aloud - particularly in Morgan Freeman's voice - but I get the sense that many, many, many applicants open with a generic line like this which adcoms are probably jaded with.  Don't open with a lofty philosophical exposition, it reads like the opening of a college graduation speech from a valedictorian who has no real life experience to speak of.  Again - please don't take this personally!

 

Take the religious references out.  This is potentially controversial; though you may be the kind who is convicted to not hide your religious beliefs, a school application is no place to display that UNLESS you are applying only to a school(s) which is explicitly religious.  The second paragraph needs to go as well, and the 3rd needs to be placed in another part of the ps.  Instead of mentioning bible school specifically, keep it more generic to something like "school."

 

The fourth paragraph reads as if it is an introduction, but it is in the body.  You might consider replacing the first 3 paragraphs with this anecdote.  Try a in medias res approach:  if you imagine your story on a timeline, you start with an anecdote on point b, then go back to point a after getting the reader's attention, then close at point c which is now.

 

You may have faith via a Pauline text that gives you confidence to become a competent PA, but the adcom may very well not.  You need to give a reason other than, to quote from a childhood biblical nursery rhyme, "for the Bible tells me so."  If your medical work in Honduras proselytized you, then be explicit about the moment you realized that this why you want do become a PA.  If it was rather a slow realization rather than a revelation (forgive the corny references, I couldn't resist) then explain it that way.

 

I think you have an excellent narrative hidden in there somewhere...right now I see a jumbled bit of marble that you've been scratching at; you need to take some real tools and chisel out a solid ps with what you have.  Keep at it, don't rush it (if you are wanting to apply this cycle, you really procrastinated, but aim to have it completely rewritten by the end of this month at the latest for an early application), and you'll get there.

 

Best of luck to you.

[lanime]

"Underserved inhabitants of Honduras"??  Are you talking about people?  People who live in Honduras? 

Use normal words to tell your story... don't get caught up in the thesaurus feature on your mac book pro.  I stopped reading your ps because I felt overwhelmed by all the stuff in there.  There's some meat in there somewhere, you just need to find it and focus on it.  Try making a list of the reasons you want to be a PA (without use of scripture) and list examples of why you would make a good PA.  Then write your ps off of the top 2 or 3.

 

Glorious has some great advice!  Also, I do not intend to come across as mean; this was just my honest reaction while reading your ps.  Good luck and I look forward to reading your second draft!