My first rough Draft Need advise PLEASE

[fallbaby]

Driving around Mexico, the smell of rotting garbage permeating the bus, I glimpsed images of small children in rags and dogs lying on the side of the road. I was only fourteen, and along with my church we were on a mission to build a house in the slums of Mexico. Every day we labored alongside the family and the neighbors, and every day my eyes were open to the perseverance and dedication of these people. Without healthcare, sanitation, and the luxuries of America, these people should have been desolate with abandon.  Yet they were the most giving individuals I have ever met. Every member of the community had a part to play, and even with almost nothing to give, they were selfless and charitable to each other. This experience was one that would forever open my eyes to the happiness in providing and caring for others.  

Similar to my trip in Mexico, my own community has individuals that are less fortunate and therefore depend on the companionship and aid of their community. I realized this in my sophomore year when I began volunteering at the Snake River Valley Community Clinic. Originally, I began volunteering around town as a way to search for a field of interest, having still been undecided in my major yet knowing I wanted to help others.  After a few times of volunteering at the clinic, which was designed to offer healthcare and medications to those who could not afford them, I knew that healthcare was the only path.

Over the past two years of volunteering in the clinic I have worked in a variety of different areas. Some days I am responsible for aiding in clinical work such as filing charts and organizing medication prescription, others I work hands on with the patients. Because this clinic is completely free, it relies solely on members of the community volunteering, which meant that even after having classes, work, and intermural games I would make time to lend aid. Over the years I have come to recognize familiar patients, and have often worked side by side PA’s of different specialties. During this time I have had the opportunity to witness the intelligence and compassion that they possess. More often than not, they will take extra time with the patients, effectively communicating and listening to their patients concerns and questions. The patience and compassion I saw is what originally sparked my interest towards becoming a PA. I realized that health care is something that every individual should have a right to, and was something that I wanted to dedicate my life towards providing.

Taking the first step towards my goal I received my Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) Certification and in 2014 attained a job at St. Joes Regional Medical Center on the surgical floor. Here I have worked in collaboration with a phenomenal staff of nurses, doctors, and PA’s who are all a vital part of the health care team. Working alongside nurses has allowed me a great opportunity to further my knowledge of a part of healthcare; however I am constantly interested in the diagnostic and analytical aspects of medicine as well. This is what led me to consult and shadow one of the PA’s on my own floor. Shadowing her, I was in awe of the way she effectively communicated with all of her patients. She was an avid listener and her experiences allowed her to diagnose and quickly form an effective treatment for the patients with ease.  Unlike the nurses, she also had a hand in the surgeries and operations of her patients, something that I hope to someday do as well.

As a PA, an individual is allowed versatility and flexibility in several disciplines of medicine. Unlike a doctor, who is restrained to one specific specialty, a PA is able to change with disciplines. As a person who enjoys being challenged, this ability to range from assisting in surgery’s to working in the stress of the emergency room, appeals to my nature. As well as the versatility, the collaboration between doctor and PA are something that I look forward to. Every PA I have consulted has shared the benefits of working in collaboration with a doctor. As an outgoing and social person, I enjoy working as a team for the benefit of another, and becoming a PA would offer this relationship.  These aspects are what draw me most to becoming a PA.

Working in the community and in a hospital I have learned that every individual has a role to play and job to perform. Some roles are smaller and may seem insignificant, yet it is the collaboration and teamwork that holds a functioning society and team together.  A PA is only one individual in a team, yet I have seen the difference one compassionate individual can make. It will take perseverance and dedication, but I am more than willing to embark on the challenge. Right now I am a CNA and a student, but someday I hope to fill the shoes of a PA.

[spflynn4]

Your first paragraph is really dramatic. I get that you're trying to create imagery, but you're going too far. Tone down the "ghetto" imagery and focus more on the positive aspects of the people.

 

Other than that, be careful about restating your resume. It's important to show how your past has inspired you... But there is no need to tell the reader the full name of the hospital and all that. CASPA will tell them the details, so focus on showing why you stand out.

[DiggySRNA]

I agree with spflynn4. It caught my attention for sure, but it adds nothing to the overall theme. You're doing a lot of telling and a lot less showing. It's written in a resume style which will not work in your favor since Adcoms would have already seen it.

 

You want to talk about your experiences as a story that has depth, meaning, and reasoning behind it that explains why you want to be a clinician - a PA at that.

 

However, I can see this evolving into a great unique personal statement if you:

• Rewrite the entire first paragraph - instead of focusing on the less appealing - focus on the rich culture and uniqueness of Mexico. For example, Driving around Mexico revealed what the less fortunate are able to endure when neglected of the basic needs of life. Despite the unwelcoming smell of the streets, the barely clothed children smiled and waved while clearing the street to let us through...On that day, I joined my church on a mission to build a house for a family who desperately needed a place to call home. Apart from our purpose, each member of the community joined in and helped to build this safe haven. Even with almost nothing to give, they were selfless and charitable to help their neighbor. It was then I realized how the lack of adequate healthcare and sanitation contributed to their abandonment and desolation. Overall, this experience was the beginning of my journey and desire to provide for the disadvantaged.  [you can link how each member of the community joined in and helped to the PA profession and the collaborative relationship they have with their MD counterparts to an end goal - patient satisfaction and health] 
• Scrap every paragraph that lists your qualification with no meaning behind it. For example; instead of saying Taking the first step towards my goal I received my Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) Certification and in 2014 attained a job at St. Joes RegionalMedical Center on the surgical floor. Here I have worked in collaboration with a phenomenal staff of nurses, doctors, and PA’s who are all a vital part of the health care team... [story tell here] - I began working as a nursing assistant with the goal to continue caring for those in a vulnerable state....
• Don't put down another profession "unlike a doctor who is constrained to one specialty" ... although true, don't use this strategy to push your agenda. You can do this other ways, you will just have to figure it out :P 

BTW, use my "new version" of your introduction as a reference...it would be plagiarism on both sides (mine and yours) if you decide to use it lol.

[fallbaby]

Thanks for the advice! Gives me a lot of things to work on but definitely steers me in a better direction.