Any feedback is appreciated please! first draft!!

[becca9]

It was just a regular morning, starting a customary shift when the call came over our dispatch radio. 

"Unit 241 come in." 

We responded, "Unit 241 copy, go ahead.”

"We need you to respond with no lights and sirens to a resident address with a chief complaint of lethargic."

"Unit 241 10-4, copy page and show us in route."

We drove over to the resident house regularly driving like any other call. Once arrived on scene, Mrs. Anderson explained that her husband has not been acting like himself and just has been "sluggish". We then spoke to Mr. Anderson; he responded when his name was called and even answered a few more questions for us regarding his symptoms. As we were getting our equipment’s ready to obtain his vitals, Mr. Anderson became unresponsive. We called out his name, then did a chest rub, still no response. Hastily, he was placed on his back, and chest Compressions begun to take place with oxygen being provided. "He's going to die isn't he?" Mrs. Anderson sobbed with sheer terror in her eyes as hands were being pushed down into her husband chest. As chest compressions were continued, we brought Mr. Anderson to the ambulance drove lights and sirens to the hospital. Within just 10 minutes on scene, the condition of my patient changed entirely. Examples like this are why I am passionately in love with medicine and why I will continuously pursue a career in this intriguing field.  

 

My passion for medicine is what mainly drives me to chase a career in the profession of Physician Assistant (PA). I have always been fascinated with medicine: how the body systems function, and how they are all connected and depend on each other. I am captivated by the fact that we can speak, talk, or even move our fingers. Furthermore, I am amazed of how the body can then betray itself when sickness or disease is present whether by external or internal causes. It is just mesmerizing. As a medical provider, I would be in the field of helping people through medicine, using all that amazing knowledge and applying it to ameliorate someone in need. It is through my understanding that all those fascinations can also be discovered in any other medical profession but to me, PAs do it differently. I can frankly say that due to my experience with the PAs I‘ve shadowed. One specifically is the orthopedic PA Foldessy. He treats every patient as if he knew them personally. Taking the time to not only talk about the medical issue at hand but also to see how they’re doing and how other family members are doing. He would then continue to take in every detail of a patient’s complaint, making sure not to miss anything. He would listen carefully and then continue to treat them. That demonstration of patience and understanding from a PA speaks so much volume to me, because though you are a higher level of provider, you can still make care the top priority. 

 

Since a child, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to pursue a career in medicine. Started college to take up a career as a doctor, and I even went ahead of myself and ordered MCAT study books. It was not until my sophomore year in college that I discovered the beautiful field of PA. Met my first PA during my doctor office appointment. Due to school, most of my doctor’s appointment had to be in the afternoon which meant that I could only get the PA. Notice that the PA was more patient with me and so much easier to speak with when consulting with her. She took the time to explain to me everything. Her sincerity and intelligence reassured me that I was in good hands. PA became all that I could think about, and I began to research more into the field and discovered that PA school was on average two years compare to the four plus years of medical school. Furthermore, PAs could specialize in whatever field they choose while still having the option to change it if they want. Curiosity then got the best of me, and I went to shadow my first PA. He demonstrated those same qualities that I valued dear in a health care provider: patience, intelligence, and kindness. I was hooked and never looked any other way. I then continued to shadow different PAs in differents specialty to gain more perspective on the career with sheer determination.

 

My Determination to become a PA, unfortunately, did not mean it was easy. If anything, it had been the hardest thing I've ever done and am not even in PA school yet. The truth is, I have struggled academically my whole life, finding it incredibly hard to maintain a good GPA, let alone a competitive one. However, I will not let that hinder me from pursuing my goal, and I pray that it doesn't deter you either from accepting me into your PA program. After applying the first time and did not get in, I decided that I was not going to give up because I truly cannot see myself doing anything else. As a result, I went back to school at a local university and retook some pre-requirement classes that I did not do well in and tried my hardest. This time I surely understood how hard it was to get into PA school and was willing to do all it took. Some things had to change so I went completely part time at work and worked only about two days a week. Poured in all I had into these classes that I was retaking; studying hard and praying even harder. Additionally, to compensate for my lack of competitiveness academically, I challenge myself with added health care experiences and exposures, and they’ve taught me so much. Time interpreting for Haitian Creole speaking patients has filled my heart with humility and fortitude.My three years as an EMT has equipped me to prosper as an efficient team player for both during and what lies past PA school. I've exposed myself in different parts of medicine to confirm my desire for this profession. 

 

In life, one must have the right mindset to succeed and the right motivation to keep pushing. I believe that I have that type of mentality. I’ve always persuaded myself to progress further than my failures. Understand that I will not hide from the truth and say that I don’t have my moments of defeats. The truth is I have lots of those, but I never linger on too long on those thoughts. Alternately, I focused on the problem and began to conjure a productive plan that will better my current situation. My road to pursuing a career as a Physician Assistant was not at all easy. Nevertheless, through my love for medicine and my deeply need to care for others, I was able to press on through every obstacle that came my way. This new avenue is not one to take lightly, but I am confident and prepared for the challenges that lie ahead.

[kaylav]

Hi there,

 

I have a few suggestions for you. In your intro paragraph, the first few lines take too much time to get to the point that your job allowed you to see many medical "miracles" that inspired you. Maybe you could make it more conscise by deleting the first five lines, then condensing the next four. For the second paragraph: maybe make the first half more engaging, and the second half more about a specific incidence that made that PA you shadowed your role model. The last three lines of the third paragraph really belong at the end of the second paragraph.

 

Your fourth paragraph isn't really selling yourself well. You talked about how you make up for struggling academically by having health care experience. Instead, you should talk about how you've struggled before, but learned about better study habits or perservered through taking classes again and how this experience will make you a good PA student. While you're probably excellent with patients, PA schools want to see that you will be able to handle a tough curriculum, too. Everyone has had some classes they haven't done well in, so PA schools expect that and are actually impressed when they see that you retook a class and got an A the second time around.

 

Your conclusion ties everything up nicely and is very well-written! Overall, great essay! Some minor tweaks and I'm sure you'll do great!  :)