rugger09 Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I have attached my first rough draft. Any feedback will be appreciated! I am worried essay looks like a resume. Thanks for the help! rough draft.doc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spflynn4 Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Just some random thoughts from a read through: You need a more direct topic sentence and better transitions between the parts of your paragraph. Right now, you talk about confidence (or lack thereof), rugby, and wanting to be a PA. I see that you're trying to link confidence, leadership, and rugby while relaying a "flashbulb memory", but it comes across as disorganized. Try to end each paragraph with some sort of small summary/transition that flows into the next part of your story. Right now it looks a bit disjointed, like you're jumping from experience to experience without any sort of analysis. Take a hard look at your syntax and sentence structure. Some of your sentences are awkwardly constructed, and it's hard to read at times. Take this part for example: "Even when joining the rugby team I found myself asking plenty of questions. What am I getting myself into? Will I end up getting seriously injured? " I think you might benefit from a colon here, or italics. You need to set your internal monologue apart from the narration of the statement. Also, do you capitalize Physician Assistant? You should look into that to see if you're using the term with the appropriate capitalization. Your statement reads a bit like a retelling of some key experiences from your HCE. It's good to highlight your experiences, but you also need to talk more about the underlying personality traits that you gained from your experiences. As it is now, you walk through a few experiences and then say that you know that PA is right for you. You should be pulling out personality traits and characteristics of the PA career path that you want throughout the statement, and then tying it together in the conclusion. Your conclusion is trying to throw all of this together in one place, but I think that this synthesis should be done throughout the statement. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rugger09 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 Thank you for your response! I will definitely be going back to make those changes on my rough draft. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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