Personal Statement Help

[jbucha]

Hi Everyone!

 

I have recently had a faculty member at a medical school read my personal statement to give me some guidance. I recieved negative feedback on my paper but cannot help but think that his opinion was tainted by the fact that I want to be a PA and not a doctor. I have already began a second draft of my personal statement considering the feedback that was given to me by the faculty member. However I would love to see what other people think, and if there are any parts to my paper that should be kept. Thank you in advance for any advice!

 

 

Butterflies danced in my stomach as I lifted my best friend, and teammate, onto a 1,200 pound animal. I had prepared her mount to the best of my ability and all I could do was give her words of encouragement as she walked into the arena. Silence was all that could be heard as she represented The University of Georgia NCAA Equestrian team in sudden death competition against Texas A&M for the 2009 national title. Every second after that moment was in slow motion.  I could see anticipation and unease in my teammates eyes as we watched a year of hard work dwindle down to three minutes. No matter the outcome, I felt at peace knowing that we had accomplished our goal of working collaboratively to get as far in the competition as possible. Upon graduation I have taken it upon myself to discover a career that encompasses my desire for working as a team in the field of medicine.

             Like all healthcare providers, I find the science behind medicine compelling and remarkable. However, the people that are helped fires my true devotion to medicine. While working as a medical assistant, one patient in particular led me to find my passion. Years of service on a Naval Patrol Torpedo Boat made Thomas a frequent patient at the Dermatology office where I worked. His keen mind and descriptive tales reminded me of my grandfather and my “beautiful blue eyes” reminded him of his granddaughter. We shared many laughs together during his appointments and I found myself looking forward to the moment when he would dodder through the door. The last time I saw Thomas his tremors had worsened and the vigor had left from his eyes. His hands were icy cold to the touch, and his extremities lay limp with exhaustion. As his appointment ended that day, I made sure to let him know how much I enjoyed the time we spent together and we parted ways with a hug. Just a few weeks later I received a call from my supervisor and she informed me that Thomas had passed on. Although I was pained by the news, it has inspired me to pursue my goals and passion.

     I cherish the relationship I had with Thomas, and hope to create comparable relationships with my own patients. While shadowing Stacey Bispham-Royce PA-C, I have become enamored with her routine. She exhibits the professionalism and kindness I hope to portray. The relationships she has built with patients reminds me of that I had with Thomas. While the comradery exhibited within her office reminds me of teammates I became so close with at college. Each moment with Stacey heightens my motivation, and reminds me to continue following my dream to become a physician assistant.

    Before his passing Thomas told me to "pick a career that you love and you will never work a day of your life." I have taken his advice, which has led me on my current journey. I hope to accomplish goals with colleagues similar to that of acquiring the 2009 national championship title while forming close trusting relationships with all patients similar to that I had with Thomas. By continuing on the path to become a physician assistant I look forward to honoring the wise words that were given to me by a dear friend.

 

 

 

[Colorado]

Butterflies danced in my stomach as I lifted my best friend, and teammate, onto a 1,200 pound animal. I had prepared her mount to the best of my ability and all I could do was give her words of encouragement as she walked into the arena. Silence was all that could be heard as she represented The University of Georgia NCAA Equestrian team in sudden death competition against Texas A&M for the 2009 national title. Every second after that moment was in slow motion.  I could see anticipation and unease in my teammates eyes as we watched a year of hard work dwindle down to three minutes. No matter the outcome, I felt at peace knowing that we had accomplished our goal of working collaboratively to get as far in the competition as possible. Upon graduation I have taken it upon myself to discover a career that encompasses my desire for working as a team in the field of medicine.

I can tell that you are trying to bring the reader in to experience what was going on at the time your friend was preparing to enter the arena, but I think you leave the reader wondering whats going on for too long that you lose effectiveness. Why did you have to lift her onto the animal? Is there a deeper meaning to this such as a disability that she had to cope with during her competition? I’m not a competition rider and most readers will not be either; could you clarify what you mean by you “prepared her mount”?

             Like all healthcare providers, I find the science behind medicine compelling and remarkable. However, the people that are helped fires my true devotion to medicine.(reword, sentence structure is awkward) While working as a medical assistant, one patient in particular led me to find my passion. Years of service on a Naval Patrol Torpedo Boat made Thomas a frequent patient at the Dermatology office where I worked. His keen mind and descriptive tales reminded me of my grandfather and my “beautiful blue eyes” reminded him of his granddaughter. We shared many laughs together during his appointments and I found myself looking forward to the moment when he would dodder through the door. The last time I saw Thomas his tremors had worsened and the vigor had left from his eyes. His hands were icy cold to the touch, and his extremities lay limp with exhaustion. As his appointment ended that day, I made sure to let him know how much I enjoyed the time we spent together and we parted ways with a hug. Just a few weeks later I received a call from my supervisor and she informed me that Thomas had passed on. Although I was pained by the news, it has inspired me to pursue my goals and passion.

I really like this patient experience that you share! I think it illustrates your compassionate nature and how that lies at the heart of why you want to work in medicine.

     I cherish the relationship I had with Thomas, and hope to create comparable relationships with my own patients. While shadowing Stacey Bispham-Royce PA-C, I have become enamored with her routine. She exhibits the professionalism and kindness I hope (maybe instead of just hope, you could say something to the manner of you intend to do) to portray. The relationships she has built with patients reminds me of that I had with Thomas. While the comradary exhibited within her office reminds me of the teammates I became so close with at college.(can you bring thsese two sentences together? The second one is fragmented as it stands) Each moment with Stacey heightens my motivation, and reminds me to continue following my dream to become a physician assistant.

    Before his passing Thomas told me to "pick a career that you love and you will never work a day of your life." I have taken his advice, which has led me on my current journey. I hope to accomplish goals with colleagues similar to that of acquiring the 2009 national championship title (if using this competition as an example, rework your earlier paragraph about it to show teamwork better; I would suggest using a more relevant example if possible from your work as an MA if you find that to be too difficult to convey) while forming close trusting relationships with all patients similar to that I had with Thomas. By continuing on the path to become a physician assistant I look forward to honoring the wise words that were given to me by a dear friend.Honestly, I like this last sentence.

Overall I think you have something to work with here, especially with the example you used with your relationship with Thomas. The equestrian example of teamwork isn’t the strongest illustrator of teamwork as it stands now, maybe it just needs a little re-working. Your essay has room for expansion without becomign too long. Perhaps you could elaborate on why you want to be a PA vs. MD/other healthcare provider. EMTs, CNAs, MDs,Pas etc. all have relationsips with patients and are in the medical field providing direct pt care; so why PA for you?

[jbucha]

Thank you for your input! All of the suggestions you made will make my essay stronger. I have started to write another draft to my paper with many new points that I think touch on many of your suggestions. I hope to be done soon and will it upload it once I am finished. I will paste it onto this feed and would love if you could compare the two! Thank you again!

[jbucha]

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