Second Draft! Please Critique!!!

[cejones1993]

Here is my second draft. Please critique and give any advice! Thank you in advance!

 

I was first introduced to the physician assistant profession in the waiting room of Banner Cordon Hospital when I was only thirteen. My great-grandmother, Kathryn, was currently being seen after she fell abruptly ill. During my visit there, the physician assistant that was in charge of her care came into the waiting room and introduced herself (I will call her Emily). She looked at us with sorrow in her voice and said, "I’m sorry, but it looks like Kathryn has something we call liver cirrhosis, and it is highly progressed.” She didn't act rushed as she explained what we were to expect and she emphasized that we were an important part of my great-grandmother’s case. When relayed our decision to Emily that we would keep her comfortable at home, she gave us her contact information and told us to call the minute anything were to change. A few days went by and my great-grandmother succumbed to her illness. After calling EMS, we notified Emily and she met us at the hospital to give her condolences. After nearly ten years since meeting Emily, I look back and realize that her dedication to her patients and caring demeanor were traits that first drew me to the fulfilling profession of a physician assistant.

 

As a student at Arizona State University, I took an undergraduate research position in the behavioral sciences department. In this position, I was able to spend working with overweight students to help develop a plan for obesity prevention through behavioral change. My goal was to change their unhealthy habits and to motivate students to begin living healthier lives. I was first drawn to this position, because the study didn't turn anyone away, as long as a student met the criteria for the study. My students helped me realize what struggles many people go through to become better and made me yearn to continue helping others to strive towards a better life. By providing an additional source of care and knowledge, PAs help to minimize the lack of quality healthcare. I strive to become part of this initiative and work as part of a team that provides exceptional and personalized care. 

 

Towards the end of my senior year, I decided to start working as an Emergency Room medical scribe to gain as much exposure to the medical world and to feed the burn of passion I had to learn more about being a physician assistant. Emergency medicine opened my eyes to the diversity of each situation, between each patient’s unique history and the steps taken for each and every treatment. Just as illness affects a patient's life, each patient's unique life story greatly influences their ability to overcome illness, and in the emergency room time also becomes a factor. Through my scribing experiences, I have seen that the PAs I have worked alongside often have the time to get to know patients on the level that is necessary to take all of these factors into consideration even in the emergency room. This is not because PAs are less busy, or have more compassion than their counter-parts. Instead, the role of a PA is seeing the patient as a person, not just a diagnosis and in that they can provide more personalized care.

 

 

My motivation to become a PA has only enhanced itself since observing diverse medical professionals. However, the PA profession itself complements my goal to become the kind of healthcare provider who weighs all factors when assisting patients and ensures trust in not just the patient, but their families as well. I have always dreamed of having a career that is fulfilling and significant. My decision to pursue the PA profession is built upon a solid foundation of working alongside different healthcare professionals along with my college work. A career as a PA will allow me to use the strengths of my being to further make a difference in people’s lives and strive to give people a better, healthier, longer lasting life. 

 

Thanks again!

[spflynn4]

I noticed a few things from a quick read through: 

 

Grammar stuff- Look at tense and tone throughout. Your first paragraph switches between present and past tense, which is confusing. Capitalize Physician Assistant the first time you use it, and then abbreviate it in parenthesis. Once you have used the term and shown its abbreviation, you can refer to the career by its abbreviated title throughout the statement. Look into whether or not you're using the appropriate plural form for PA. I think that it might be PA's, not PAs...not totally sure on that though. 

 

Theme/thoughts: You provided a few succinct stories, but I don't know if you did a good job of making them seem full circle. I kept waiting for you to state some sort of overarching theme during the telling of each story, but it seems to be lacking at times. You are trying to show that the PA profession lines up with your life goals using a series of stories from your life- use some analysis to put that theme on a silver platter for the reader. I picked up on your points, but sometimes it's good to really hit the reader in the face with what you're trying to say. Lastly, I think you need to retool your concluding paragraph. You need to incorporate the major points of each of the three paragraphs into a "thesis" that you put together in the final part of the statement. You state that you want to be a PA because you were inspired by a passionate PA, you like working as a part of a team, and you want to provide healthcare to a wider range of people...but you don't really expand on those thoughts beyond that. Provide a "so what" statement that leaves the adcom with a lasting opinion on your experiences. Make them remember you for something. There are going to be a lot of essays that check off a list of reasons that the PA career matches with the applicant's life goals, so you need to add your personal touch to make them pick yours out as somebody they NEED to meet. 

 

Just my two cents. I'm applying this cycle too, but I wanted to help however I could! Good luck! 

[cejones1993]

Thanks so much! My goal with this draft was to get it a bit more concise than my first draft which i posted a couple of days ago. I believe I have done that, now I just need to, like you said, tie my paragraphs together so the adcoms know why I am bringing up those points. Also, I noticed the tense format in my first paragraph after you pointed it out, thanks so much I will make that change. As for my theme, I am having a little trouble in that area, mostly with making my paragraphs way too long on one thought, so I might have to visit the writing center. Haven't taken an English class or high essay format class since freshman year so I am a bit rusty haha. Also I believe the correct abbreviation is PAs. I think I remember reading that PA's is a violation for something

 

Thanks so much

[DiggySRNA]

A nice progress from the first draft.

 

I agree with splynn4. I can see that you're trying to connect your grandmother's passing, the caring and personalized care given by Emily, and your research experience, to say that this is the type of PA you would like to be. A caring professional who provides nothing but empathy and personalized care. 

 

However, to get there, you need to explain - spell out - show not tell, why you want to be a PA in the first place. If you look at this forum, it is overloaded with the same theme as yours. But to be a unique applicant, you must first draw in your readers (Adcoms) who will determine your worthiness to join this exceptional profession.

 

This is a great start, but with a little more spice, you can create an amazing PS. More importantly what is your thesis? Then, use your grandmother's passing, clinical exposure, and your goals that supports your thesis.

 

This is the prompt I used when synthesizing my PS:

1 - Interesting anecdote about me
2 - how I got interested in the PA profession
3 - summary of clinical/volunteer experience
4 - goals as a PA
5 - conclusion - biggest theme that represents me

 

Realize #5 is in bold, underlined, and italicized letters. You don't want to leave Adcoms/readers high and dry. 

[cejones1993]

A nice progress from the first draft.

 

I agree with splynn4. I can see that you're trying to connect your grandmother's passing, the caring and personalized care given by Emily, and your research experience, to say that this is the type of PA you would like to be. A caring professional who provides nothing but empathy and personalized care. 

 

However, to get there, you need to explain - spell out - show not tell, why you want to be a PA in the first place. If you look at this forum, it is overloaded with the same theme as yours. But to be a unique applicant, you must first draw in your readers (Adcoms) who will determine your worthiness to join this exceptional profession.

 

This is a great start, but with a little more spice, you can create an amazing PS. More importantly what is your thesis? Then, use your grandmother's passing, clinical exposure, and your goals that supports your thesis.

 

This is the prompt I used when synthesizing my PS:

1 - Interesting anecdote about me2 - how I got interested in the PA profession

3 - summary of clinical/volunteer experience

4 - goals as a PA5 - conclusion - biggest theme that represents me

 

Realize #5 is in bold, underlined, and italicized letters. You don't want to leave Adcoms/readers high and dry.

 

Thank you so much for your insight. I do agree that I need a clearer thesis. I need to then write a small paragraph ahead of everything I have written so far so everything ties together.