jjog Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Right now I feel like my essay is really vanilla. I didn't want to be melodramatic and put in a bunch of life stories, but I feel like I've probably gone to the other side of the spectrum and am at risk of having an amazingly average PS. Let me know what you think, feel free to be harsh. ________________________________________________________________________________________ My first meeting with a college adviser was probably similar to that of freshman kids across the United States. When asked about what I wanted to do when I “grow up,” I nervously fumbled to come up with a few vague career ideas. Half of those feebly offered career titles probably don’t even exist. “What do you like?” The adviser kindly asked, attempting to make that scary question easier for me. That was easy—“Science,” I replied. Thus, I embarked upon my college career pursuing my life-long love of science with everything from biology courses to lab internships. Knowing my love for science, my advisor suggested a summer job at the University Hospital. I accepted, spending that summer after my sophomore year working as a student assistant in the Anesthesia Department. Though my interest in medicine was no Damascus Road experience, an inevitable curiosity towards the medical field began to grow in me during that summer. The next semester, intrigued by my brief experience in the Anesthesia Department, I spent many hours shadowing doctors, nurses, and paramedics alike. Exhilarated by their practical application of science combined with professional camaraderie, I begin to meet with health-profession advisers at school to see if this was a profession to which I could belong. How would I know if this was for me? “Be a scribe at the ER,” one of the health advisers suggested, “it’ll give you a pretty clear picture of the field.” I followed his advice. My parents were stricken as I shared the experience of my first scribing shift. During the shift (at about 1:30am) a patient was brought into the trauma room, 4th degree burns covering 90% of the surface area of her body. I had never witnessed trauma remotely that bad in my life. Yet at the same time, I had never witnessed such dedication, expertise, and professionalism under such pressure. I was awe-struck. My parents tried to convince me that a job in those conditions was too stressful. I, however, could not wait to go back to the ER. I began to thrive at my job in the ER. Never before in my life had I experienced what it was like to enjoy going to work. As a scribe I occasionally took initial patient histories on my own when a doctor or nurse was busy. I found pleasure in being able to listen to patients at their most vulnerable states, hearing their stories and struggles. It was an even greater pleasure, however, to offer comfort in return, whether it be through a patiently listening ear, a warm blanket, or a cup of ice water. The clinician who led the medical team in the trauma room on my first night was a PA. In all honesty, before that night I had barely known what a PA was. However, our ER was filled with PAs. I would scribe for these PAs 2-3 times per week, getting a clearer picture as to what their daily work life looked like. While I scribed for MDs and NPs as well, I began to feel more and more attracted to the work I saw PAs do. So I tested my interest: I began shadowing PAs in other specialties, occasionally taking a few out for coffee so I could ask more questions about the profession. Whether it was a Surgical or Psychiatric PA, most of them gave me a similar line: “follow this passion into our profession. You won’t regret it.” After many hours of researching and shadowing this profession first hand, I intend to take that advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justcan86 Posted March 23, 2015 Share Posted March 23, 2015 Hey jjog, First, there is nothing wrong with "vanilla". You don't have to have some defining moment or traumatic story, but that doesn't mean you can't connect with your audience in a way that elicits a reaction from them. This connection will turn store brand "vanilla" into Haagen Dazs "vanilla". After reading your narrative I really struggled to find answers to some of the really pertinent questions that need to be answered. You still have quite a ways to go. It is wordy. For example, your first two sentences can be made much more direct and succinct by eliminating a few words, "My first meeting with a college adviser was similar to that of most freshman and when asked what I wanted to do when I “grow up,” I nervously fumbled up some vague career ideas." Not necessarily a finished product, but you get the idea. It feels like a lengthy version of a résumé in all honesty. I learned that you like science, you are a scribe, you enjoy patient interaction, and you are choosing to become a PA versus an MD/NP because they told you to become one. If I looked at every other PA applicant, I would probably find these are common denominators between evey one of them. The other issue I have is that you do not even discuss being a PA until the very last paragraph. I think if you summarized what you have now into a third of what it is, you will be making a good stride. Then expand on what makes you different, why a PA, why not an MD, what skills do you have that will make you successful, etc. I know I have been blunt, but this is nowhere near a finished product. There are several core questions you must answer. I believe if you spend some time reflecting on these points and then repost your updates the community will be able to assist you much more effectively. If you have further question, please do not hesitate to ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjog Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 Thanks a bunch for the feedback - blunt is good. I have a chronic problem of wordiness, so the criticism is well received. Mind if I PM you a more polished version a few drafts from now? Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justcan86 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Sure. That would be fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoCalPA Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I'd like to offer a few suggestions. I just applied to two schools and was accepted to two schools so the experience is rather fresh on my mind. DISCLAIMER: I have been a technical writer for many years and I can very picky/critical with wording. I do this in an effort to benefit you along your PA journey. I'll get straight to the point. First, the opening paragraph seems heavily focused on your career uncertainty. Perhaps you can open with your experience as a student assistant and scribe and mention in passing that you had an epiphany about your future career. Focus on the format and flow. I wouldn't start out with "i wasn't sure what i wanted to be". "Damascus Road" experience? Not sure I get that reference. If it's a war reference and you have military experience then you need to expound on that. If you don't then re-visit that reference. If you use references, make sure they are clear to the vast majority of people. (maybe i'm the only one that doesn't get it) I do like that you mention you had coffee with a few PAs. That shows you are doing due diligence. However, what about what those exchanges gave you confidence in your path? Other than they said it will be a great decision. Along those lines you mention that you are interested in what PAs do (vs. MD and NP) give us one or two examples. What are you going to do with your PA education? I DO NOT mean a certain specialty. For example, any interest in working with the under-served? Working with those in rural areas who may not have access to the same healthcare provided in major cities? If so, why are these things important to you? Also, "My parents tried to convince me that a job in those conditions was too stressful." <---- This does not show that you will have support from your family. PA school will be one of the most stressful things you do (from what i have heard from MANY). What is the value in saying this? However, I do see that you mention your desire to continue to the ER with little regard for their advice. You can say that without mentioning the parents advice to the contrary. As for, "As a scribe I occasionally took initial patient histories on my own when a doctor or nurse was busy." Personally, I wouldn't focus on the act of doing histories but what you learned along the way that would have allowed you to do this? Did you acquire this knowledge by watching clinicians do it repeatedly? "I found pleasure in being able to listen to patients at their most vulnerable states, hearing their stories and struggles." Revisit this wording. I understand what you are saying but you do not want it to be misconstrued as your taking pleasure at the worse time of a patients life. All in the wording. Intrigued? maybe. Empathy? for sure pleasurable? not so much. Again, I hope this helps you.I wish you the best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest PALois Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 ---- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoCalPA Posted April 10, 2015 Share Posted April 10, 2015 Did this feedback help you at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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