Second draft. Thanks in advance for any advice. No matter how harsh.

[alcornt]

One of the most life-changing lessons that I have learned was during an extremely cold, dark night on the streets of Siberia. My friend and I were walking by a vacant road on our way to a meeting when we heard a faint call for help. We saw in the distance a black lump lying on the icy street that we soon realized was an elderly woman who had fallen. We rushed to her aid and instructed a passerby to call “Quick Help”, the Russian equivalent for the ambulance. She had clearly broken her leg and possibly had a concussion. I removed my coat and scarf and placed it over her to try and keep her warm. Without any medical background, all I could do was hold her hand and explain to her that I would wait with her until help arrived. At that moment, looking into her watery eyes, I was filled with a sense of love for this woman that I can’t describe and I realized that I had been living for myself all of my life, when I should have been living for others. I wanted to help her with all of my heart, but felt so helpless without any knowledge of what to do, so I sat there with her, listening to her cries. Although I will always be grateful for that moment, there have been a number of character-shaping lessons I have learned in my life that have prepared me to enter the physician assistant profession.

 

My competitive nature has driven me in almost all that I have done. I remember when I was eight, my father encouraged me to join a wrestling team. I failed miserably my first year and lost almost every single match. I decided that the next year I would pick a good person on our team that I could not beat, and work harder than him: If he did twenty push-ups, I would do thirty and so on. Eventually, I became better than that person and would pick someone else to challenge. After 10 years of hard work, I was able to achieve my goal of becoming a state champion, but most importantly, I learned that some dreams are possible if you are willing to work for them.

 

Shortly after beginning my college career I was forced to find employment to combat the financial burden that most students carry. Because of my history of helping out in my family bakery as a youth, I decided to work at a growing bakery not far from campus. Due to quick promotions, I soon found myself too busy to continue school, so I withdrew from my classes and began a full-time career as the corporate executive pastry chef with this company. The company sent me to multiple leadership seminars and even began paying my way through culinary school. I learned that communication and team-work are vital to keep the quality of product consistent throughout a chain of restaurants. Even though I worked for seven years and made my way to a comfortable position in this company, my mind kept thinking back to the woman on the street and I felt like I was not doing what I truly wanted to do.

 

Soon after my wife and I had our second child, I became fairly ill. Because we had just bought a house in a different area, I sought out a family practitioner whose office was nearby. When I went into the office, I was surprised to find out that the man who had treated me was not a doctor, but a physician assistant. I had never heard anything about the profession before and was intrigued that he could diagnose my illness and prescribe me medication. As I began asking him questions, he took the time to sit with me and describe what he did and how much he loved it. I felt a strong pull to find out more and I immediately began researching the profession. I was interested to find out that I could become a physician assistant in roughly two years after receiving a Bachelor’s Degree and could perform many of the tasks that a doctor could perform.

 

When I started shadowing physician assistants, I was fascinated at the level of trust and respect present between the physician assistant, the practicing physician and the team of healthcare providers in the hospitals and clinics. It was wonderful to see similarities between my past corporate position and the healthcare setting such as the amount of paperwork involved, the expected sense of urgency and the extent of detailed communication that existed. Having a family, along with a mortgage and other responsibilities, made the fact that I could learn to practice medicine without going into a larger amount of debt fascinating. After much thought and consultation with my wife, I made the leap and quit my job. A steady income and career were replaced with student loans, a wonderful certified nursing assistant license, and a myriad of classes to continue.

 

I have never regretted the decision to change paths from my world of pastries. I am surprised to see the lessons I have learned in my past ease this transition tremendously. My life seems to be filled with a new excitement and energy, my academic career means more to me, and I am learning more to focus on the most important thing in our lives, others.

 

[alcornt]

I just realized my grammar mistake in my own title. ;)

[cfreed]

The beginning seems full of fluff. I would cut out the entire first sentence and jump right into the exciting part of the story. Maybe something like this?

 

Shortly after I heard the faint plea for help, I saw the black lump collapsed on the icy street on a particularly dark and cold Siberian night. I saw a passerby, and called for "quick help", the Russian equivalent for an ambulance...

[alcornt]

Thanks for the input! I totally see what you mean.

[Justcan86]

Just a few thoughts...(It's late and these may be a little scatter brained! :))

 

When I read your narrative I ask myself why do you really want to be a PA? Your first paragraph talks about the desire to help, but I am struggling with the timeline. You discuss Siberia then childhood wrestling followed by a "normal" progression.

 

When did this incident happen in Siberia/Why were you in Siberia?  Is that what really what made you want to be a PA or are you using it as a hook?

 

I would rework the second paragraph into the narrative in a different way.  When I read it I get the vibe that you will work hard to accomplish your goals by committing yourself to be better than the person across from you. PA school will be more about collaboration, and using competition and comparison against others as your benchmark seems to give a negative light.

 

I enjoyed your story going from college to baking to becoming introduced to the PA profession and this is what I would focus on.

 

Try to distinguish your narrative by telling a story throughout, rather than at the beginning, with emphasis on the bakery because it is very interesting and unique.

 

I would rework it like this...

 

1. You worked in a bakery but felt unfulfilled/wanted more/whatever,

2. Had an interaction that pushed you to go after the PA profession(Siberia story/You got sick yourself/something with your CNA work),

3. Went after your goal and how

4. talk about the skills you developed working in business and how they correlate to being a good clinician.

5. End on an upbeat line (like what you have)

 

Also what are your grades/HCE/shadowing like?  If you have anything that needs addressed make certain to mention it.  I came from a similar background in business and halfway through my first college attempt I was Y&F (Young and Foolish) and slacked off and was mostly concerned with a paycheck.  My grades suffered. if you have a story like this talk about it and how you have grown from it! Anything that will make you stand out!

 

You are on the right track! Just work on finding that one thing that makes you unique and your sincerity and passion will shine through!

 

If you have any questions I would be happy to help further!