NEED ADVICE OR CRITICISM for my final draft URGENT**** please help

[sn0163]

I slowly approached the room with shaking feet and trembling hands. For a moment, everything stopped and my whole attention was on this one room. I turned the knob and pushed the door open. The medical ECG monitor showed no activity. My heart dropped. There lay my uncle, covered from head to toe with a white sheet over him. I never wanted to hear his voice more than this one time. I came closer, and touched his feet and hands. They were ice cold. The blood circulation in his body had stopped, his heart had stopped beating, and his brain would no longer think of anything anymore. The grief and sorrow I felt had turned into empowerment and motivation. I had lost my uncle that day but gained a clearer vision as to why I want to become a physician assistant.

 

My uncle was a diabetic and blood pressure patient and visited his physician for regular checkups. However, his physician neglected his apparent jaundice, drastic weight loss, and minor stomach pains. Soon, when his stomach pains had become unbearable, he complained only to find out that he was suffering from the final stage of liver cancer that had metastasized to his kidneys and bladder. He was admitted since then and battled for his life for two weeks until he passes. Sometimes I wonder if only he had been diagnosed at an earlier stage of the illness, his life could have been saved. This was when I realized my passion for oncology and patient care. I knew if I followed a career in becoming a physician assistant I would never let a vital symptom go by that would cost a person’s life.

 

 

My curiosity and love for science leads to my interest in becoming a PA. From chemistry to cellular/molecular biology and the study of biological systems, especially the human body itself, has bought new motivation and insight towards my passion for pursuing a career as a physician assistant. To test my aptitude for the qualities needed in a healthcare career I began a research project under the supervision of Dr. Shanti Rywkin from BMCC. The focus of the study was to test out and find the mechanism behind the treatment of topical cancers such as colon cancer and mouse prostate cancer cells using four different Phenothiazine dyes and Photodynamic therapy. Working in the lab immeasurable hours honed my communication, teamwork, patience, observation, motor and sensory skills. It was behind closed doors and in front of mirrors where I prepared to present my research project countless times for symposiums, presentations, and national conferences. Communication is the most important part of patient care and presenting my research numerous times helped sharpen and master that skill. Additionally, working in sync with three other students proved that I possess the characteristic of a physician assistant where working in a team is necessary to provide the best patient care possible. Our lab symbolized a hospital where Euri, Teiba, Oliver and I could have been physician assistants working under the guidance of our doctor, Professor Rywkin, to cure our patients, the cells. Looking over my data, this newly found piece of information, and realizing that this small piece of information can potentially change the way topical cancers are treated is an indescribable emotion. I had fallen in love with research so much that I wanted to turn research into my career, however, since my uncle’s suffering from medical neglect I realized that the distant analytical approach would not help show compassion I have for treating patients.  

 

 

I have been surrounded by medicine my whole life. Since I can remember, my father and grandparents visited the physician to keep their sugar levels and blood pressure under control. My grandmother is a heart patient. My grandfather suffered from lymph node cancer due to excessive smoking, which he survived. My uncle broke his tibia and punctured his lungs in a motorcycle accident. My sister is an asthma patient. My brother is obese and is counseled by his pediatrician for weight loss. And I, myself suffered from seizure disorders from 2009 to 2012 and a skin condition called lichen planus. With various diseases running in the family, I was exposed to the hospital environment at a very early age. I experienced patient care provided by oncologists, pediatricians, dermatologists, cardiologists, surgeons, and neurologists at a very personal level. Aside from oncology, I also have interest in neurology. One of the best advantages of becoming a physician assistant is that one can specialize in various specialties whereas a physician has to complete another residency to work in another specialty. This is another reason why the physician assistant route is more suitable for me. Additionally, I have been selected to volunteer at the New York Hospital Queens and hope to gain more patient/doctor interaction experience and in-depth knowledge of various specialties later on this January.

 

 

Overall, my experiences have help shaped what career path I want to follow. I believe that I possess all qualities needed to become a successful physician assistant. From compassion, integrity, and concern for others, to strong intellectual, conceptual, integrative, and quantities abilities, to excellent observation, communication, motor and sensory skills, I have it all. If accepted, I will become a great asset to any hospital I work in in the future and the neglect that my uncle faced will never be an issue under my care. 

[a.rosswoods]

Shaking feet? Too many repetitive words in first paragraph. What is a blood pressure patient? Did he suffer from high blood pressure? Then say that. Your essay goes from drawn out drama to fact listing. Why list so many specific names in 3rd paragraph? Talk about your actual experience like the seizure dx and steer clear of accusing uncle's dr of neglect.

[waky02]

The idea is to make it interesting not a climatic or anticlimactic

[paproof]

Blood pressure patient= a hypertensive.  And I agree with toning down the accusations.  

[Dreamingofpa2490]

It didnt keep me involved... Sounded a

too dramatic and less professional like a story for a creative writing class vs a ps. I would say to cut out the little details and cut down the stories such as the first paragraph to a direct few sentences and focus also on why u have the qualities to succeed as a PA, such as dealing with your sick relatives led u to acquire strength in the areas such as empathy and patience for people in need...Completing a heavy course load and doing research simultaneously proved that you can handle the rigors and demands of PA school... Ect... Focus more on you and the career and your qualities to succeed, lead, work as a team, etc rather than the colorful stories

[Dreamingofpa2490]

Also i would definetly take out the part in the second paragraph were ur kinda dissing the physician....

[Joelseff]

"I have it all..." really? Did I miss your HCE? Or do you only have research work and a whole lot of observational experience? It's kind of a leap if you ask me. Your paper reads very cocky as well. But you really don't "have it all" it just sounds like 12 lbs of crap in a 5 lb bag.