Another essay to read - PLEASE HELP!!! :)

[pdjags]

Positive (and negative) criticism are the best tools that offer the best opportunities for improvement - so here goes nothing! I want to get into school so badly that it hurts, so say whatever you like and help me out! THANK YOU!! 

 

 

      "My motivation to practice medicine came to me at a very young age through the reputable and exemplary models that have been offered to me by many of my family members, specifically, my father. Both my grandfather and uncle completed their training in vascular surgery, however my father’s intimate and personalized care with his patients in his family practice showed me the true meaning of treating a patient’s body and mind.

 

      Unfortunately, practicing medicine has become a convoluted career and has lost much of the simplicity that once defined it.  However, my father’s mission was to strive to be different and break away from what was becoming “the norm”. He did this by maintaining the highest standards concerning his morals, work ethic, and passion for medicine and by treating his patients with not only medicinal instructions, but also with genuine concern and affection for their well being. In doing so, he has continued to practice honestly, in the midst of a changing society, constrained by the rules of insurance companies and government control, in order to give his patients the best medicinal care he can provide. Because of these unconventional methods, he has been able to treat some of his patients for over 20 years, and help them battle their physical, emotional, and mental changes. Through my education and work experiences, I have learned that the example my father has offered me is an extremely rare one, and because of that, he has inspired my own desire to join the medical field and practice as a Physician Assistant.

 

      Although I have been blessed with a natural accessibility to medicine that many individuals do not have, my own desires to practice as a Physician Assistant has been fed through my personal interactions with patients. In addition to the numerous opportunities that were offered to me once I began working as a medical assistant, my hands on experiences with a wide variety of patients and diagnosis has provided an exceptional challenge for me, and produced a persistent desire to continue growing in the medical field.  My strengths have been created through a daily routine of good medical habits. Practicing my skills of building a patients’ history, obtaining vitals and symptoms, followed by phlebotomy, injections, procedures, etc. I have focused on the importance of technique in order to master what I have been taught. But my greatest lessons have come from the different care that I have been able to offer many patients. Although some tasks are more simple, such as explaining to a patient the importance of their medication, others offer a greater level of satisfaction – motivating an individual to realize how important their health is to them and simplifying the daunting task of overcoming an injury, losing the weight, or quitting smoking, into a manageable goal. The satisfaction that comes from helping individuals recover their health and the growth that can be seen as they recover is the priceless reward of the medical field. However, the reward of helping some can comes at a cost. Not every patient is willing to make their health a priority, and others are unable to win the fight for their lives.  I have seen true courage as I have treated patients as they battle lung or pancreatic cancer. I have witnessed a patient find out he has a glioblastoma of the brain and then realizing he may only live for 12 months. Watching him change through the process of his tumors being taken out by Atlanta’s most well known brain surgeon, then deteriorate as they began to grow back and test his daily will, has been one of the most significant experiences of my medical career thus far.  Because of these individuals that I meet on a daily basis, I have been shown first hand what it takes to care for patients’ needs – whether they are afflicted with a sinus infection or incurable cancer. So I pay my deepest respect and gratification to the patients that have taught me what it really means to be a medical provider.

 

      I have learned that the skills needed to practice as an exceptional Physician Assistant are gained through these daily lessons—that they are unable to be learned in a classroom, put to my memory by charts and graphs, or analyzed by specific laws and rules. They are received through the gracious example of others and the hard work associated with attaining any well defined skill. Through this manner of daily practice, I wish to fulfill my desires of continue to be introduced to new knowledge and techniques that I am unfamiliar with, and perfect them through the treatment of individuals as I request that they diligently focus on their health and wellbeing."

[IDrunner11]

 "My motivation to practice medicine (become a physician assistant - Be specific) came to me at a very young age through the reputable and exemplary models that have been offered to me by many of my family members, specifically, my father. Both my grandfather and uncle completed their training in vascular surgery (are they PAs or doctors?), however my father’s intimate and personalized care with his patients in his family practice showed me the true meaning of treating a patient’s body and mind.

 

      Unfortunately, practicing medicine has become a convoluted career and has lost much of the simplicity that once defined it. This is your personal opinion and it sounds like you are stating a fact. I suggest you reword this to make it sound less negative.  However, my father’s mission was to strive to be different and break away from what was becoming “the norm”(This is too vague what is the norm???). He did this by maintaining the highest standards concerning his morals, work ethic, and passion for medicine and by treating his patients with not only medicinal instructions, but also with genuine concern and affection for their well being. In doing so, he has continued to practice honestly, in the midst of a changing society, constrained by the rules of insurance companies and government control, in order to give his patients the best medicinal care he can provide. This statement needs to be supported with a specific example. Because of these unconventional methods, he has been able to treat some of his patients for over 20 years, and help them battle their physical, emotional, and mental changes. Through my education and work experiences, I have learned that the example my father has offered me is an extremely rare one, and because of that, he has inspired my own desire to join the medical field and practice as a Physician Assistant.

 

      Although I have been blessed with a natural accessibility to medicine that many individuals do not have, my own desires to practice as a Physician Assistant has been fed through my personal interactions with patients. In addition to the numerous opportunities that were offered to me once I began working as a medical assistant, my hands on experiences with a wide variety of patients and diagnosis has provided an exceptional challenge for me, and produced a persistent desire to continue growing in the medical field. This sentence is way too vague it might not even be that important - You can say something like: "my own desires to practice as a Physician Assistant has been fed through my personal interactions with patients while working as a medical assistant.    My strengths have been created through a daily routine of good medical habits. Practicing my skills of building a patients’ history, obtaining vitals and symptoms, followed by phlebotomy, injections, procedures, etc. I have focused on the importance of technique in order to master what I have been taught. What have you been taught? Too vague. But my greatest lessons have come from the different care that I have been able to offer many patients.This again is vague Although some tasks are more simple, such as explaining to a patient the importance of their medication, others offer a greater level of satisfaction – motivating an individual to realize how important their health is to them and simplifying the daunting task of overcoming an injury, losing the weight, or quitting smoking, into a manageable goal. The satisfaction that comes from helping individuals recover their health and the growth that can be seen as they recover is the priceless reward of the medical field. However, the reward of helping some can comes at a cost. Not every patient is willing to make their health a priority, and others are unable to win the fight for their lives.  I have seen true courage as I have treated patients as they battle lung or pancreatic cancer. I have witnessed a patient find out he has a glioblastoma of the brain and then realizing he may only live for 12 months. Watching him change through the process of his tumors being taken out by Atlanta’s most well known brain surgeon, then deteriorate as they began to grow back and test his daily will, has been one of the most significant experiences of my medical career thus far. This is a specific example that can be expanded and can take the place of the vague sentences above. Because of these individuals that I meet on a daily basis, I have been shown first hand what it takes to care for patients’ needs – whether they are afflicted with a sinus infection or incurable cancer. Great you have learned to take care of them but HOW??? So I pay my deepest respect and gratification to the patients that have taught me what it really means to be a medical provider.

 

      I have learned that the skills Be Specific!! WHAT SKILLS?? needed to practice as an exceptional Physician Assistant are gained through these daily lessons—that they are unable to be learned in a classroom, put to my memory by charts and graphs, or analyzed by specific laws and rules. They are received through the gracious example of others and the hard work associated with attaining any well defined skill. Through this manner of daily practice, I wish to fulfill my desires of continue to be introduced to new knowledge and techniques that I am unfamiliar with, and perfect them through the treatment of individuals as I request that they diligently focus on their health and wellbeing."

 

I have to say your personal statement is too vague at this point. It needs to be unique explain who you are why you should be given a chance to interview. Be more specific. There are a lot of "cliche" sentences through out the paragraphs. The committee members have seen these over and over again, so my point is make sure your essay is so personal that anyone who picks up a copy wants to meet you. Best wishes.

 

[pdjags]

Thank you so much for you feedback! I totally agree with you and appreciate your opinion. It's hard to "unread" your own words and see what needs to be improved upon. Thanks again! 

[pdjags]

Question - I noticed through your editing you capitalized "Physician Assistant". I believe this topic is addressed in the forum, but why do you believe that the title should be capitalized? Thanks again! 

[IDrunner11]

To be honest with you I think the forum advertisement did it because I didn't capitalize PA. Do you see how the words are underlined and are linked to a different site?

I wouldn't capitalized them.

[pdjags]

Oooooh. Duh. My bad. Okay THANKS!!

 

I have had others read my essay and I pointed out your critics. They agreed - my essay is too general and cliche. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction!

[rbusta]

do not capitalize PA, to save some room, just write it as "PA" after writing it out the first time, that's appropriate to do. Also, i think you can try to incorporate or merge the first and second paragraphs/ also talk a little less about your dad's practice, bc its YOUR essay, so elaborate more on how you plan to use his influences in your future career. but overall your essay is pretty good. GOOD LUCKK!!